Supporting Friends with Cancer
Some of us are fortunate to have a spouse, other family, or a close friend to help and support during our cancer journey and struggles. I am blessed with a kind husband who loves me and is concerned about my wellbeing. He cooks and cleans, takes me to infusions and other medical appointments, and does whatever else is needed. Our children, siblings, and friends have all been fantastic. They check in to make sure we are both okay, send sweet cards and messages and gifts that are helpful and bring up my spirit. I have not lacked.
Maybe this is why it hurts my heart so much when I read about how some women in my support groups are treated by those who are supposed to love them. I am amazed at how many husbands and boyfriends leave them while they are going through treatments. It does not seem to matter how old the woman is. There are some that have young children as well as grandmothers who have been married many years. Their spouse either claim they cannot deal with them going through this, or they don’t explain and just leave. There are even some who end up with no one; their families and friends don’t seem to be able to cope and stop talking to them. I cannot imagine going through cancer alone.
If you know, or know of, someone who does not have a support system, here are some things that are helpful -
• A chemo care package with a soft fuzzy blanket or pretty quilt, hand lotion that is not heavily scented (you may sit close to someone who might be sensitive), a pretty notebook and pen, a book, scented candle . . .
• Cute socks
• Cards and notes
• Bring meals, something that can be frozen easily or last a few days in the refrigerator as she might not be able to eat it that day. It is impossible to know what your body will be able to handle until it is time to eat.
• Bring groceries, or have the store deliver them.
• A phone call just to talk.
• A visit if she feels up to it.
• Rides to medical appointments.
• Pick up prescriptions.
• Help cleaning her home.
• Watch her children, either in her home, or take them for a while so she can rest.
• Watch her children while she is going through treatments.
• Puzzles or other brain games are helpful. Chemo brain is very real.
• Go for walks with her, some will be very slow.
• Take her for car rides.
• Cute mug with beverage.
• She might not sleep well at night, so if you are a night owl you can let her know when you are available to talk.
• Cute hats, headbands depending on what time of the year and how much hair she has at the moment.
• Heating / cooling pad for headaches and other aches and pains.
Each day is different with different needs. Depending what chemo drug she is given, she will be infused each week, or every two or three weeks. The worst days depend on the drug and the individual. My infusions were every three weeks, and the worst days were 3-7 afterwards. The timing for others may be different. Most people are okay with you asking questions about treatments and her specific needs, but it is a good idea to ask what she is comfortable sharing.
Most importantly - please let her know she is loved. Cancer treatments are tough physically, but also mentally. You do not feel beautiful and lovable when you lose your hair, vomit, hurt, have dry and cracked skin, cannot put a simple sentence together . . . The stress starts as soon as the diagnosis, so she will need support before the treatments begin.
Some women do not need chemotherapy. That does not mean they are not stressed or need support. Surgery and radiation are not pleasant to go through. They will need love and support just like someone who gets infusions.
A lot of this would apply to men with cancer as well. They have many of the same needs as women.
We too often forget about the spouse, whether it is cancer, some other serious disease, a miscarriage, or accident victim. In some ways it can be tougher on them emotionally. It is difficult to see the person you love go through something like that and not be able to do anything about it. They need loving words and support as well. Maybe a break from cooking and cleaning, a listening ear, going out for a treat, or kind words in a card.
This seems like a lot, but the most important thing is conveying love. Just knowing there is someone there for you makes a big difference.
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