My Cancer Journey

Chemotherapy is not the only source of forgetfulness and overall decline in mental health. Pretty much everything related to cancer can cause stress and poor mental health, from suspicion or diagnosis to life after treatment. I am still in the treatment phase, but hear from those who have completed theirs, that the potential of cancer returning is stressful. Especially when it is time for a checkup with the doctor. During treatments you depend on others for your physical as well as mental needs. This is not easy. Most of us want to be independent, and when you are not, it is difficult mentally. You feel very much out of control. Children who are abused learn to distance themselves psychologically to protect themselves. It is something I am familiar with. Getting treated for cancer is not abuse, but you feel out of control in both instances. I am not able to use the same technique to distance myself from the cancer. It is always with me. I cannot remove myself from it, even temporarily....

Chemotherapy affects most of your body. It not only kills cancer cells, but also healthy ones. You notice it while going through treatment, but also long after you complete your infusions. Four months after my last chemo infusion I noticed that one of my toenails was darker. It kept getting darker until I felt it was getting loose. This picture was taken five months after my last treatment. It looked like I had dropped something on my toe, but I had not, and it did not hurt. I was mostly concerned that the nail would catch on something and get ripped off. About two months later, seven months after my last chemo infusion, the nail fell off. There was fortunately another one growing underneath. Now, two months later, about nine months after my last treatment, the nail looks normal. I’m happy to have it back. There is a nail on the other foot that looks a little darker than the others. Keeping my fingers crossed that it won’t fall off.  My fingernails have always been hard and strong....

Sometimes when I squeegee the glass door after showering, I have flashbacks to what it was like while I was going through the first set of chemotherapy treatments. After each infusion there were a few days when I was not physically capable of cleaning the door. If I moved at all it was very slowly. Even then I was huffing and puffing with every movement I made. This happened after each of the six treatments I received over 18 weeks. I did a lot of sitting around those days. That is not easy for me; I need to move and be busy, or I get sluggish and depressed. Fortunately I was not like this every day. Although exhausted most of the time I was able to squeegee the shower door and do other things. Some days I was able to take short and slow walks. The fatigue from chemo can last from six to twelve months after you finish the treatments.  Seven weeks after the last infusion, before my energy had come back, it was time for the lumpectomy. This brought issues as well, and fatigue was one...

I know others have different experiences, especially with drugs that are different from mine, Taxotere, Carboplatin, and Herceptin, but the infusion itself was not painful or uncomfortable for me. It was, however, very stressful and anxiety inducing. My blood pressure still shoots up every time I go to the hospital. It was also tiring to sit for such a long time. Because of he premeds I was pretty perky the day of and day after. So perky that it was difficult to sleep at night. Even though I was bloated from all the liquids and steroids, I wanted pho (Vietnamese noodle soup) for my meal after the infusion. It was delicious and perfect, and Craig was happy, because he likes it as well. It became our tradition to eat pho after all my infusions. I unfortunately associate pho with chemotherapy now, so I cannot eat it. It will hopefully change eventually. The day after the infusion, September 16, we went back to the hospital for my Neulasta injection. This pushes the bone marrow to create w...